10.22.2004

Jesus calls for us to be, not to do.

the last few weeks I been frusrated about my community service site. mainly because I'm not working directly with people (as I mentioned in my wrestle entry.) Well I still wrestled and wrestled with that issue. God, I prayed, shouldn't I be working with people in my neighborhood directly. I don't feel like I'm doing anything here, I just looking up stuff.

This week, in my hesitation, I kept searching for possible community service sites I could go to in January, or add onto now. I looked for soup kitchens, homeless shealters, tutoring after-school programs, basically anything where I felt I could do what "I felt" was more appropriate for Mission Year.
All while I was wrestling with God. What are you doing Lord? Don't you know that I'm supposed to be developing relationships. Let's face it Lord, I can't develop relationships with my database! I can't develop relationships in my office job.

I told Mariko about my thoughts and she asked simply, "What's your motive?"
My motive, I asked? Well I don't know really. Or at least I couldn't articulate it then.

Yesterday morning I was praying for one of the other Mission Year teams. As I was praying I thought about Christi, one of the team members, and how cool it was that she was developing this awesome friendship with one of the girls she was tutoring. "I wish I had that," I thought as I prayed.

BAM!

As usual the Lord answered my prayer about changing community service sites. Uh, Mai that's not going to happen. Do you hear yourself right now. Right then and there I realized my motive: I didn't want to change because I felt that's what I was supposed to do, I did it because my pride felt injured. My heart was to have what I FELT was best, not what God actually felt was best.

I accepted that answer. I knew there would be no more looking for other sites, at least for now. I knew that for now staying at Casa Central was the right thing to do, even if it didn't make much sense to me.

Later, in the afternoon, one of Pastor John's sermons (pastor of my church, GAP Community Church) came to my mind. Not just the last one, but the VERY FIRST ONE. In that sermon, as I remembered, PJ said if we wanted to lead and do God's work we must be willing to serve and learn. Hm.....then it occured to me. That's why I'm at Casa Central. I'm not just here to help and do stuff, but to learn. To serve the organization by fufilling a major need. I am doing what I'm supposed to by just being here not just doing stuff, not just by being busy.

This morning Mariko talked about Martha and Mary. Martha was busy trying to do stuff, while Mary sat at Jesus' feet, listening and learned. Martha told Jesus "Why don't you get Mary to help me, I'm trying to work!" But Jesus points out, "Martha, you worry about many things, but there is only one thing to worry about." Basically that Mary chose the best- to focus on learning and striving to be more like Him.

And that is what my goal should be here (as with anything else.) I'm not here to do stuff to earn brownie points, but rather to learn . It's good to do something, but it's best to just be. To be present.

Henri Nouwen writes that in solitude we learn that being is much more valuable than having. That our worth is so much more than what we are doing.

And my worth is so much more than what exactly I'm doing at a community service site.

posted by mai @ 2:52 PM 0 comments