heart for hermosa

wrestle

I had one of those wresling moments yesterday. It was about eight p.m...And I felt like I was going to explode. I couoldn't decide if I was going to read curriculum, write or something else. I was frusrated. Probably one of my first frusrating moments I've had since I've started Mission Year.

I felt pulled to pray alone. So I shut myself in my room and asked markio and jenny (we share the room) not to enter for a half hour. And suddenly let it all out to the Lord.

I told God that I wonder sometimes if what I'm doing for my community site means anything. I am just looking up statistics and trends for a social service agency. Two of my roommates work with elementary school kids. Another two are at a homeless shealter. Another one works with teenagers. The point is is that they all have preople interaction and I have none. How am I practicing the mission year credo of Loving God and Loving people when I'm not even interacting with people that much. I felt like I was doing Mission Year all wrong.

But then God made it clear to me. I have trust issues. I so often want to control my own destiney and stick things to my own standards when clearly his standards are much better. My standards, in reality, are quite inferior. Also, I am putting myself in a box, just because I'm not doing what everyone else is doing, doesn't mean there isn't a possibility of creating relationships with people in the neighborhood. This information can be used to help my neighbors. Here's a prime opportuniuty, I realize, to help my neighbors in a way my roommates are not able to. I just haven't fully realized it. Really it's balancing the day-by-day tasks with the knowledge of the big picture. When I understand both, the fruit will be there.

But really the key point is that it's not about feeling good about what I'm doing. Mariko pointed out earlier, "maybe you're supposed to wrestle" with this. It's when we struggle with God that he uses it to develop us in better people. It's okay to struggle. It's a matter of trusting that what I am doing will be used best to fufill God's will.

posted by mai @ 1:25 PM